they drift by during the summer
towed by their eager parents
for enrollment..
they would sit behind their mom..
trying to take a peek..
trying to see the lady behind the table..
seeing if she can be trusted..
if she can be a friend...
curiously looking around the classroom..
trying to take in the various pictures..
the vivid colors..
the lively characters pasted on the wall or hanged on the ceiling..
eyeing the colorful books and the assortment of coloring materials..
trying to decide will this be a fun place..
5 months since the school year started..
and here they are...
holding the lady's hand whenever
they become uncertain during their major activities..
embracing the lady's body whenever they become upset & tears threaten to fall..
pulling the lady's ear whenever they need to share a secret..
stepping on the lady's toes whenever they rush to show off their achievement..
stubbornly refuse to see the lady
eye to eye whenevr they have done
something wrong.

Tracy Chapman - At This Point In My Life (1995)

pandora's box

It is so hard to stand in a shifting sand.
It is so difficult to hear the silent voices of reason
telling you to think first before you act.
Jealousy like love brings out the passion in you.
...the passion to appease the turbulent mind,
...the passion to hurt the ones who's hurting you,
...the passion to hold on to the one you love without being crushed to pieces,
...the passion to untangle these garbled emotions,
...the passion to believe in love amidst the doubts and fears that you have,
...the passion to shine in the shadow of the night,
...the passion to let go of love even if it entails long lonely, sleepless
and tearful nights.

Jealousy like love has its power too...
blinding you with the searing pain of knowing that you might lose your reason for living.

Is this where we end?
...where we stop smiling?
...where we stop living?
...where we stop loving?

a rainbow beyond the dark skies...

A doubtful heart is not a loving heart, that's what they say.
But what if he's the one who says that he wanted to be with her sometimes.
He loves you alright and promises you that what they have has no strings attached.
How can you deprived him of a friend in her?
What if she says that she wanted your man more than the man she married?
Would you just sit and ignore the shadows of jealousy?
Would you allow the lioness in you to come out and growl in pain as you scratch her eyes out?
You talked to him almost pleading not to destroy your trust that you selflessly bestowed upon him.
He assured you that what they have is purely friendship.
He wanted no more than that. Does she too?
She's there. You're here.
She's married but she come to see your man now and again.
Would you allow her?
Can you stop him?
Promises and kisses aren't assurances.
Hugs and holding hands are not binding enough.
Would five years of being together tie you up?
You're sitting in a dark room trying to hide the pain.
Contemplating on what to do as you valiantly restrain the frightening feeling of jealousy that's slowly creeping in the surface knowing too well that if not handled carefully can burn you and him into oblivion..

tears

having been in a relationship of almost five years is never an easy task..
from the start, i was apprehensive that being in a very traditional community our age gap would create a friction among the people around us..but we still went into it because he kept on saying and promising that we will overcome whatever negative things the people around us would say regarding our may - December affair..
and so we did..
gloriously...at first knowing that people may frown upon us but hoping that eventually everything will fall into its right places.
now i guess all those little comments have become so irritating and those little actions have caused a rippling effect in our relationship and its taking its toll on us..
at first his parents were just suggesting in a very subtle way that he should find a better partner, someone who is near his age group, someone who is more financially stable..who is more beautiful..who is not a single mom..
but now they are actively dishing his previous romances to him again of course with the hope that he will find in them their ideal girl for him...
i am in pain knowing that he is getting all these inappropriate things they are giving him..
i can see that he is having a hard time balancing the act of maintaining being a son to his parents and a brother to his siblings...but at the same time i can feel the struggle that he is undergoing for the past few months by sheilding me from these painful attacks the they are hurling at us...
now, i do know that i love him for all the things that he has done..and there are a lot..
i know...i love him for fighting for us against those judgmental people who seems to do nothing but create frictions between us..

why can't they just leave us alone?
why?

now im contemplating of ending it..i know its hard to start being alone again..i know how difficult it is to long for someone whose been with you for quiet a few years..
i dont wana be in a relationship were uncertainties are abundant...
taking a deep breath can no longer ease the pain..
what should i do?