they drift by during the summer
towed by their eager parents
for enrollment..
they would sit behind their mom..
trying to take a peek..
trying to see the lady behind the table..
seeing if she can be trusted..
if she can be a friend...
curiously looking around the classroom..
trying to take in the various pictures..
the vivid colors..
the lively characters pasted on the wall or hanged on the ceiling..
eyeing the colorful books and the assortment of coloring materials..
trying to decide will this be a fun place..
5 months since the school year started..
and here they are...
holding the lady's hand whenever
they become uncertain during their major activities..
embracing the lady's body whenever they become upset & tears threaten to fall..
pulling the lady's ear whenever they need to share a secret..
stepping on the lady's toes whenever they rush to show off their achievement..
stubbornly refuse to see the lady
eye to eye whenevr they have done
something wrong.

Tracy Chapman - At This Point In My Life (1995)

pandora's box

It is so hard to stand in a shifting sand.
It is so difficult to hear the silent voices of reason
telling you to think first before you act.
Jealousy like love brings out the passion in you.
...the passion to appease the turbulent mind,
...the passion to hurt the ones who's hurting you,
...the passion to hold on to the one you love without being crushed to pieces,
...the passion to untangle these garbled emotions,
...the passion to believe in love amidst the doubts and fears that you have,
...the passion to shine in the shadow of the night,
...the passion to let go of love even if it entails long lonely, sleepless
and tearful nights.

Jealousy like love has its power too...
blinding you with the searing pain of knowing that you might lose your reason for living.

Is this where we end?
...where we stop smiling?
...where we stop living?
...where we stop loving?

a rainbow beyond the dark skies...

A doubtful heart is not a loving heart, that's what they say.
But what if he's the one who says that he wanted to be with her sometimes.
He loves you alright and promises you that what they have has no strings attached.
How can you deprived him of a friend in her?
What if she says that she wanted your man more than the man she married?
Would you just sit and ignore the shadows of jealousy?
Would you allow the lioness in you to come out and growl in pain as you scratch her eyes out?
You talked to him almost pleading not to destroy your trust that you selflessly bestowed upon him.
He assured you that what they have is purely friendship.
He wanted no more than that. Does she too?
She's there. You're here.
She's married but she come to see your man now and again.
Would you allow her?
Can you stop him?
Promises and kisses aren't assurances.
Hugs and holding hands are not binding enough.
Would five years of being together tie you up?
You're sitting in a dark room trying to hide the pain.
Contemplating on what to do as you valiantly restrain the frightening feeling of jealousy that's slowly creeping in the surface knowing too well that if not handled carefully can burn you and him into oblivion..

tears

having been in a relationship of almost five years is never an easy task..
from the start, i was apprehensive that being in a very traditional community our age gap would create a friction among the people around us..but we still went into it because he kept on saying and promising that we will overcome whatever negative things the people around us would say regarding our may - December affair..
and so we did..
gloriously...at first knowing that people may frown upon us but hoping that eventually everything will fall into its right places.
now i guess all those little comments have become so irritating and those little actions have caused a rippling effect in our relationship and its taking its toll on us..
at first his parents were just suggesting in a very subtle way that he should find a better partner, someone who is near his age group, someone who is more financially stable..who is more beautiful..who is not a single mom..
but now they are actively dishing his previous romances to him again of course with the hope that he will find in them their ideal girl for him...
i am in pain knowing that he is getting all these inappropriate things they are giving him..
i can see that he is having a hard time balancing the act of maintaining being a son to his parents and a brother to his siblings...but at the same time i can feel the struggle that he is undergoing for the past few months by sheilding me from these painful attacks the they are hurling at us...
now, i do know that i love him for all the things that he has done..and there are a lot..
i know...i love him for fighting for us against those judgmental people who seems to do nothing but create frictions between us..

why can't they just leave us alone?
why?

now im contemplating of ending it..i know its hard to start being alone again..i know how difficult it is to long for someone whose been with you for quiet a few years..
i dont wana be in a relationship were uncertainties are abundant...
taking a deep breath can no longer ease the pain..
what should i do?

Here is the love of my life

After 3 days of relentless work in our small but busy store I am now left with a lot of things to do regarding my so called profession but no energy to accomplish those tedious things like computing my students' grades and making their report cards as well as thinking of new and better teaching strategies for my very inquisitive and very observant little darlings in school.
So here I am facing the computer with nothing on my mind but taking my fill of playing those online games and being a virtual farmer, a virtual chef, a virtual amusement park manager, a virtual city girl which embodies my dreams.
As a farmer i dream to have hundreds of acres of thriving land with the right crops and trees that would make me a talk of the town farmer for producing first class vegetables and fruits.
As chef i would have loved to have my own cafe, a place for my clients to relax taking some fill of my delicious coffee mixes and mouth watering pastries while whispering sweet nothings to their loved ones.
As an amusement park manage, I would have loved to provide never - ending fun to the kids and those young at heart...excitement and thrill that they would be enjoying time and time again.
Id like ti live in YOVILLE, where I can have my own condominium unit with all the high end amenities.. a jacuzzi, a complete theater set of quality movie and sound equipments..some gym facilities that would make me fit and sexy...(hehehehhe) oh how I'd love to spend a day in the spa as well as have a make over in the parlor..and most of all...I'd like to shop till i drop!

but then reality sinks in...the bills I have to pay...the work i have to do to earn a living...the responsibility of educating my beautiful girl so that with God's grace she'll become a successful person in her own right someday.

life stinks....but then we got to breath it all in and be alive...

l

is this really is it?

Love?
really? what does it mean?
A lot has been said but still nothing can fully satisfy me about it?

I would say that I have been inlove - a lot of times, however, I should say too that I have lost a lot more.
But come to think of it, when can you truly say that you have won?

Is it love when you are with someone whom you think is right for you?
Is he Mr. Right when when he cares about you a lot?
When he goes out of his way to do thing just to make you feel special?
Is he Mr. Right when you have been with him for a couple of years?
but...who decides who is right and who is wrong?

Is it love whenever you meet again with somebody from the past and still feel the giddy feeling when you two touch?
Is it still love when you feel like you are in cloud 9 when that SOMEBODY
expresses how important you are to him no matter how long you have not seen each other?

Is it love when you think of someone who became a part of your life for a very short while just because you wanted to sip a cup of steaming hot coffee and a dash of Cinnamon?

Is it love when you think of someone who might comeback after almost a decade of silence?
Just wondering if you can still burn the candle together...

Or is it still love when you are alone, just living the life and loving yourself without waiting for someone else's decision, living alone enjoying life without thinking about someone else's approval?

Because I believe that being alone is not that bad at all...
Being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely.

Does love guarantee to drive away the demons of loneliness?
Does it protect you from the searing pain of disappointments?
Does it hinder tears from rolling down your cheeks?
Does it heal the wounds of the reckless heart?
Does it strip you with the longing to be with somebody?
Can love do all these?
Can love give meaning to your existence?
Can love sustain your emotions?
Can love fill the void that empty arms can offer?
Can love unclothe the emptiness that misfortunes have created in you?

then... what is love?

love is.....................

is this really is it?

Love?

here are my darlings, crowding me whenever we do some art works.
oh how they love to tinker and wonder.

my '09 completers...
how i miss them...
spending 3 years with them is both a marvel and a pleasure and seeing them leave the 4 corners of our small room makes my heart cry with joy because they are venturing into the world of the graders and and makes my heart cry with nostalgia because they will always be my sons and daughters.

my students with their handprints on the back of their shirts
nice!!!

Two of my dear students doing their art work
Souvenir shirt from Stella Mariz Learning Center.
They had fun messing around and they had a shirt that they can wear proudly knowing that they have decorated it.

the falsity of dying to live again

Living is a part of me...and i have experinced some of it...
dying is also a part of me however i have died in order to live...
the death of two dreams...
the death of two fervently wished occurrence
the pain of death
the stinking smell of death
of waiting to live again after the death

luvs

seaside...

love immortal
soothing breeze
sparkling skyline
moon so full
night unforgettable

You reminded me of the full moon that shines above the horizon, so majestic that it shadows all the stars at night, so grand that it brings out the sparkling waves near the shore, so like you when you put the light up in my life during my darkest moments.

You give colors to my dull, gray wold by turning it into a kaleidoscope. You turned my life into sparkling wine - sweet and bitter that made me so heady and that smiles would never leave my face.

The sea calms my frenzied nerves, freed my troubled soul so like you, with just an embrace, a squeeze of the hand, a pat on my cheek or even a faint smile across a crowded room settle my mind like a tamed lion.

Stay with me...and keep me warm like the breeze blow my worries away.